So My Mom...

is writing a blog every day and I am jealous. For two reasons: she is consistently writing EVERY DAY, and she has a cute and catchy way of conveying her little tidbits that suck the reader in and make you come back every day to see what will happen next. I love my mom. She is awesome.

A Year in Review? Trite....

How about a big dose of pride? Swallow it down, there you go...doesn't it feel good in your stomach?

Apparently swallowing one's pride is not the most painful, or most difficult, experience. In fact, its quite humbling and I feel better for having learned how to do it at least somewhat gracefully. Any of you who read this blog know that i quit a job I hated this summer. I was offered another job, one that I thought I really wanted, but was unable to take it due to the necessary start date. I spent much time this summer with my family and friends, getting to know myself again, finding what I think is important, and igniting some new passions.

For starters, I went back to the job I detested so. But this time I went back with a more positive attitude and removed myself from the drama. The departmental climate is markedly better than when I left and there are several new people, some of which enhance drastically the quality of the work environment. I am grateful to have the paycheck, the flexibility, and the new (and old) friends that job provides. I am determined to make the most of it, for however long it lasts.

Also, I have recently decided that I want to go back to school. I am going back to get my pre-req's for nursing and hopefully to also complete a BS in Environmental Studies. I think Nursing will be a good choice for me not only because it is a guaranteed (and well-paying) job wherever I go, but also because I get to put my caring and nurturing nature to use. It will be difficult and stressful, but I am up for, and even excited about the challenge.

I have much more to write about, but as I am at my mother's home in Kansas, snowed-in, I figure I will have plenty of time for that later.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!

The Best Summer Yet...

Despite being unemployed and getting progressively lower on funds, I feel that this has been my most successful and most fulfilling summer ever. I feel that my decision to quit my miserable job and to explore and embrace life was completely justified and productive, and have never been happier, even despite my "blue days." What has made this summer so excellent, you ask? To name a few:

• Exciting trips and adventures
• SCUBA opportunities in exotic AND local venues
• Lots of time with Dad-lunches and fun SCUBA trips
• Lots of time with Mom-I have spent more time in Kansas this summer than ever before
• Time with the sister
• Time at the pool
• Great tans
• Time with friends of all degrees
• Happiness, laughter, self-exploration, and an inner peace not to be laughed at
• Meditation retreat
• Exercise
• New hobbies and experiences
• A broadened vision of what might and ought to be

I have noticed a marked improvement in my temper, my stress level, and my overall happiness. Things that are all welcomed changes for someone like me. Things haven't always turned out like I expected or anticipated or even wanted, but they have turned out, and have often been much better than expected. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for the experiences I have had and continue you to have. The past two years or so have really opened my eyes to the joy that is life, and this summer has continued to show me the things that are truly important in life, and how living for those things is far more fulfilling and productive.

The Start of This Journey

As of 11pm on Friday, June 6, 2009, I am unemployed. No, I wasn't laid off or fired for some horrendous offense. No, I didn't quit because I have another great job offer that starts soon or because our hours were cut to nothingness. I chose to resign from my position because I am deciding to make myself and my happiness a priority, and also because I do not want to represent and be associated with some of the tactics that were being employed by an individual who was supposed to embody integrity.

I have taken this "break" upon my graduation from college, possessing my BA in Psychology and ready to take on the world. This is the most "reckless" decision anyone has ever seen me make, although the decision really isn't reckless at all. It was well thought out and poured over for many a hard night. I plan to use this time to "find ME" and to discover what my true passion is, as well as to explore every possible outlet in which I can manifest my passion and embrace life. I know that I am happier and a much more positive force on this planet when I am not constrained and suffocated with lies and dishonesty. I want to be free to be myself, however non traditional the method may be, and I know that I am at a perfect crossroads to take this opportunity and be emboldened by it.

How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you

I'm too tired to pretend anymore.

So if you asked me how I felt I'd tell you that I loved you more than you'll ever know.

I'd tell you that I'm terrified of losing certain people.

I'd tell you that I feel like an outcast around people that love me.

I'd tell you that I feel like an outcast to myself sometimes.

I'd tell you that I feel guilty for feeling these things, and that I'm certain I'm just a selfish person.

I'd tell you that you don't really have to do anything to make me happy-just be and just love me.

I'd tell you that I am so afraid of what is going to happen next.

I'd tell you that I feel like a huge disappointment.

I'd tell you that I'm so sorry.

I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of putting on a face and pretending. I'm just so damn tired. I'm exhausted and find myself only wanting to sleep. I find myself in this dark hole and unable to get out-I'm hoping I can find my own light and cover this hole up for good. 

I've decided that the things that are going to take precedence in my life are not things at all, but people, feelings, and emotions. I've decided that I am going to return to a more innocent version of me and practice unconditional love and compassion at every possible outlet. I've decided I don't want to be or feel like this anymore. I have decided that I am going to love and accept ME and make ME a priority, while also using this self love to make others happy and fulfilled. I fully believe the Universe has sent me what I asked for and that I am right where I need to be. I know that I will be taken care of and that the Powers That Be have a great plan for me, and that I can bring that plan to fruition.

The Dark Clouds Above

...after having been off work for more than a week, I find it impossible to find anything but dread for the thought of returning. I was sick Monday, a result of possible food poison/stomach flu due to the fact that 7 of us were in a small, confined area for more than a week. <Everyone got sick; well, except for that one person, whom I believe was protected by the lining in her stomach already being pulverized by an exorbitant amount of coffee and cigarettes> Anyway, didn't return to the shit-hole (work) Monday, have class on Tuesdays, so I must return tomorrow (Wednesday). I find myself almost hyperventilating at the thought. It feels like an enormous dark cloud swelling around my skull whenever I think about setting foot back in that place. I keep plotting ways to avoid it, and contemplating whether I could reasonably afford to just tell them to F-off, and never go back.

But I can't.

At least not right now.

So I suppose I won't.

At least not this time.

Fuck.

My sincere apologies to anyone who might stumble upon this and be offended by the language. This is my vent, and all I can say is: I'm glad I don't work with you. Although, that might make it easier to not return. Hmmm...

Springing Through the Break

And the break is...OVER! Spring Break flew by SO fast, but it was so nice to have this break from school, work, etc. In apx 7 weeks I will be done with school for good (or at least for "now")! I am so excited!

The trip to Crested Butte was a lot of fun, aside from sun burns and possible amoebic dysentery. Skiing was fun, the extended family was...entertaining and educational, as always. I acquired a new name..."Sydney," from who-knows-where, thanks to the Fifth Story boys.

My favorite part of the trip was probably the fact that I got to read so much. I finished Girl's Poker Night, Friday Night Knitting Club (which I HIGHLY recommend), and The Art of Racing in the Rain (which was also pretty fantastic). I am about halfway done with Julie & Julia, and have made a dent in SARK's Prosperity Pie. Ahhh, the joys of nothing to do....